The Legend of Cojiro
by Toordle
Summary: While searching for eggs, Zelda hears the voices of the Goddesses. The Goddesses of...Poultry. They need her help with a mission, a mission of utmost importance. Although it's probably no more important than the life of the author.
1. Zelda’s Quest

(A/N: Whoo, been forever since I've written anything, hasn't it? Well, I'm back. I might get lazy again but I'm back for the moment. ...Yuh. Well, read, and don't forget to drop a review at the end!)

The Legend of Cojiro:

Zelda's Quest to Obtain Eggs

"ZELDA, HON." yelled my nanny, Impa. "CAN YOU GO GET ME AN EGG?"

"Sure," I said. "But for what?"

She entered the room. "One of the castle guards is hungry. Hurry up."

"Um. Do you want me to like, cook it?"

"I know you don't know how to do that. He'll be fine. Just get the egg, woman."

"Mmkay. I can get you an egg." but little did I know...

I headed to the refrigerator with every intention of returning in about thirty seconds with an egg in my hand and a smile on my face. ...Or something like that. But when I got to the fridge...well, I opened it. But then I looked inside, and screamed.

"IMPA! IMPA! COME HERE, QUICK!" I screamed. "THIS...THIS CAN'T BE!"

She rushed over. "What is it!"

I pointed at the refrigerator accusingly. "WE'RE...WE'RE..."

"We're what, Zelda?"

"OUT OF EGGS!"

(Insert horrified gasps throughout the entire castle)

Impa fell to her knees in shock. "How...how is that possible?"

"I know, Impa. I...I know how you must be feeling..."

"No! You don't!" I could see tears beginning to form in her eyes. "I...I could have sworn I bought eggs...only a week ago!" she swallowed some of her tears. "Do you...do you know what I went through to get those eggs? And now...THEY'RE GONE!" she picked up a pillow from the couch and threw it at the wall. "THEY'RE GONE! AND WASTED, I TELL YOU! ALL WASTED ON THE LITTLE THINGS WE USE THEM FOR! WE JUST TAKE THINGS FOR GRANTED, UNTIL THEY'RE ALL GONE!"

I started crying hysterically. "Impa...I...I'm sorry. I had to make a few omelets for my party...but I never knew it would...it would...come to...come to this."

She slowly turned to me, an extremely angry look in her eyes. "YOU DID THIS?"

I cried harder. "Y-yes..."

She closed her eyes, sighed, got up, and dusted off her pants. "Well, Zelda...I guess there's no choice."

"...You're going to have to kill me."

"No. You have to walk down to the Market and buy some more."

"...Oh. Okay."

So, I started on what I thought would be a short trip to and from the market. THOUGHT being the key word.

I headed over to one of the food stands. "Excuse me...do you have any eggs?"

"No...sorry. We're out. But check Melvin's food stand. He might have some."

So I went to the other food stand and asked Melvin if he had any eggs. But he didn't, either. Well, some creepy guy next to me said "I have PLENTY of eggs for you, Zelda." but I just ran away.

Sure, neither of the two people in Hyrule who sell food had any eggs, but I wasn't worried in the least. Because I could just go to the Sacred Realm and get some from Rauru. There isn't a food item in the world he doesn't have.

Well, I transported myself to the Sacred Realm with my super special sagey powers. And there, wearing an XXXL pink dress and bunny slippers, was Rauru. Sorting through his refrigerator.

"Oh baby, baby. How was I supposed to know...that something wasn't right here. Oh baby-ZELDA!" he jumped as soon as he saw me. "Wh-How-Wh-I wasn't expecting you!"

"Yeah, get over it, you oversized sea sponge. And don't be singing about me. You're not my type." This was how I always acted toward Rauru. That's how you're supposed to act toward obese several-centuries-old men who guarded sacred realms, right?

He blushed. "I...I wasn't...you just came in...and...well." he smirked now. "Who IS your type? Link?"

"No." I said without any sign of embarrassment. "Josh Hartnett is my type."

"Oh." he stared at me. "Well, what do you want?"

"I come bearing news."

"Which is..."

"We have run out of eggs."

"...And you want some from me?"

"Yes."

"Oh. Well, you'll have to do something for me in return." His eyes sparkled mischievously. "Yes...that's right."

I stared in horror. "EWWW! EWWW! YOU PERVERTED, 800 YEAR OLD OBESE PEDOPHILE! YOU...YOU...HOW COULD YOU EVEN..."

He raised an eyebrow. "Well, I was thinking more of a pie-eating contest, but..."

I continued as if I hadn't heard him. "OH, AND WHAT'S PIE A SLANG TERM FOR WITH YOU WRINKLIES? HM?"

"...No, Zelda, I meant actually like a pie-eating contest. You know, with pie?"

"Oh. Well, okay."

"SEBASTIAN!" he called. A young, well-dressed butler came out, holding a pen and a scroll. "What is it, my good sir?" asked Sebastian.

"Supply me and my guest with a table and two chairs. And get on it, chop chop!"

As Sebastian went to fetch the table and chairs, I conversed with Rauru a little.

"So, do I have to win the contest to get the eggs?"

"...Win? Oh, no, of course not. You just have to participate. Or if you're not hungry, just watch me eat pie and win the contest."

"...Then what's the point of having a contest? Couldn't we just sit here, slowly eating pie, and discussing memories from times past?"

"I like an excuse to stuff my face."

"Oh."

"One table, two chairs!" Sebastian entered with them and put them in the middle of the...room. Come to think of it, how does he leave and enter the room without using sage powers/the Temple of Time? It's just a platform surrounded by an endless pit. Oh well.

Anyways, we sat down at the table and Sebby brought out the pie. (I'm referring to him as Sebby for now on. It's easier to type.)

Well, as soon as the pie was set down in front of him, Rauru...well, he just smashed his face into it and...yeah. I, however, asked Sebby for a spoon and he gladly gave me one. And I politely took small spoonfuls at a time. But by the time I had taken two bites, Rauru had finished his pie.

I sighed. "Well, Rauru. A deal's a deal. You promised me the eggs. Hurry up and get them."

"Oh my, we are fresh out of eggs, madame." said Sebby.

...

"WHAT!" my scream filled the entire Sacred Realm. Since Rauru, Sebby, and I were the only people there, it only effected Rauru. (Sebby was pretty much unable to do anything he wasn't commanded to do, and he wasn't commanded to have his ear drums broken.)

"I'm sorry...Zelda.." Rauru started to cry. "I just wanted a pie-eating contest..." he whimpered.

"I'LL SHOW YOU A PIE-EATING CONTEST!" I screamed at him. "Sebby, fetch me about 5,000 pies, would you?"

Well, in about an hour he returned with the pies, and I threw every one of them on him. Yeah, I was pretty pissed.

I stomped out of the sacred realm. Well, I used my sage powers to transport myself out of it, and stomped around a little. And then I went to the Temple of Time, to pray to the goddesses for eggs...

But as soon as I entered, I heard mysterious voices.

"Zelda...your time has come..."

"Link's been on a few, now it's your turn..."

"You won't be needing a smelly, forest kid with a glowing, flying tennis ball to save you anymore..."

I screamed. "Who are you! You aren't...the goddesses, are you?"

"Well...we ARE the goddesses. Well, sort of. Just not the goddesses of Hyrule."

"Which goddesses are you then?" I asked.

"Well...er...this isn't going to sound very impressive...but um..."

"Shut up, Ducklet. We're the goddesses of poultry, okay?"

"Yeah. We're the goddesses of all that have wings and feathers and lay eggs."

"EGGS!" I screamed. I started foaming at the mouth. "YOOOUUU...YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND...EGGSSSSSS..."

"Uh, yeah. That's kind of your mission, stupid."

(Whispering is heard)

"Oh, well, you were looking for eggs? We're um, gonna help you out."

"YAY!" I cried happily.

"Um, shouldn't we like, introduce ourselves?"

"Well, it would make it easier for her to speak to us individually. The name's Chickenling."

"Uh. Ducklet. God, we sound so stupid. Why do we have to be cursed with such stupid names?"

"Shut up. I'm Turkelina. I was a man once."

"Uh. Zelda." I said. "So, are you gonna be like, in my head at all times, or something?"

I heard them arguing in a whisper.

"Sure, I guess." said Chickenling.

"...Well, okay. So, what do you want me to do first?"

Again, they argued amongst themselves in a whisper."

"First," said Turkelina. "First, you must find the legendary blue chicken.

-

Yey a sort-of cliffhanger! Who will be the legendary blue chicken? ...Well seeing as to there's only one blue chicken in the game that shouldn't be too hard. Anyways, free sandwiches to reviewers! ...Yuh. Or cookies. Um. specify your choice in your review, mkay?


	2. Finding Cojiro

(A/N: See. I'm being un-lazy. Congratulate me, dammit.)

The Legend of Cojiro:

Finding Cojiro

"So...do you guys have like...specific roles, or something?" I asked the Goddesses of Poultry.

"Well, not really." said Chickenling. "I say important stuff and answer your questions. I'm our leader, in a way."

"Since when!" argued Ducklet. "We never had a leader! We've always been independent of each other!"

"I'm the oldest." said Chickenling, as if that settled the matter. "Anyway, Ducklet complains and acts stupid. That's her role."

She sighed. "I suppose..."

"And Turkelina...well, being the youngest, she's also the most stupid. Her role is telling you non-vital information and accidentally blurting out things you aren't supposed to know." said Chickenling.

"Indeed." said Turkelina. "For I am only of the ripe young age of 568. By far the youngest of the three."

I heard a few loud punching and slapping sounds.

"Of course," said Chickenling sweetly.

"So, um...how exactly do I find this blue chicken you speak of?" I inquired.

"I cannot reveal this information to you." Chickenling said promptly.

"Er, why?" I asked.

"That would make it too easy."

"Oh."

"Hey, why don't you ask that Link kid!" said Turkelina. "He knows where it is!"

I heard a loud slap.

"SHE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT, STUPID!"

"Oh. Whoops."

"Well..." sighed Chickenling. "I guess it's too late now. Go find Link, wherever he might be."

So, I rushed out of the Temple of Time. Where was Link, exactly? Well, he had to be somewhere. I decided to call him on his cell phone.

He picked it up after two rings. "This is Link, Hero of Time! Listen, I'm kind of busy right now! Could you hold on a minute?"

"Sure," I said.

I heard a few sword slashes, and a howl.

"Okay. Who's this?"

"Hey, Link! It's Zelda! I have to ask you something!"

He gasped. "Zelda, my love! I have waited so long for a call from you! How are you?"

I ignored his comment. "Do you know where I might find a...blue chicken?"

"Oh, you mean Cojiro?"

I covered up the speaker. "Is the blue chicken named Cojiro?"

"Yes, yes, it is." said Ducklet.

I spoke into the phone. "Yep."

"He's in the Lost Woods." said Link. "I left him there...a Skull Kid has him, most likely."

"Oh. Crap." I said. "I HATE Skull Kids. And the Lost Woods."

"That's all I can do for you, babe. I'd get him for you, but I'm kinda in the middle of something."

"Yeah, whatever. I mean, no one's as great as Josh Hartnett. No one's enough of a man to match his bravery, and gorgeousness, right? I guess going out of your way to get a chicken for me is too much for someone who isn't...quite as wonderful as him." I said sadly.

"Hey, it's no problem for me! Just a quick trip to the Lost Woods, right? I can handle it! Just wait right there! I'll come to you!"

I giggled. Link is SO easy. "Well, hurry up with it. And he'd better be alive when he gets here!" I hung up.

This was gonna be the easiest adventure EVER! All I had to do was use a little reverse-psychology on Link, then sit and look at magazines with pictures of hot celebrities! Being the princess is so awesome.

"Hey! Poultry goddess things! Are you still there?" I called out into thin air.

I got a response about a minute later. "Sorry. What is it?"

"HEY CHICKIE! WHO'S THAT ON THE PHONE?" an unfamiliar voice called.

"SHUT UP! IT'S MY CLIENT!" Chickenling yelled back at them. Then she said sweetly, "Is there a problem?"

"Yeah. What do I do once I get Cojiro?" I asked.

"Hell if I know."

"...Oh."

"Hey, Zelda, We're gonna leave you alone until tomorrow. It's getting kinda late. And, you know..."

"PILLOW FIGHT!" yelled another unfamiliar voice.

"GAH!" yelled Chickenling. I heard a whomping sound, and about five seconds later, all I heard was that buzzing sound you hear when you're on the phone with someone and they hang up.

"Dammit." I cursed.

I looked at my magazines for a half hour before Link arrived.

"What took you so long?" I said snobbily. "And...where's the chicken!"

"Oh. I have him." said Link. He pulled a blue piece of paper out of his back pocket. "Here you go."

"...Link, is this your idea of a joke?"

"Oh. Right." he unfolded the paper and it magically turned into a chicken. "Theeeere you go."

I stared at him. "Wow. Thanks."

"You'd better be getting home now, or Impa will surely worry."

"Oh. Right. Come on, then."

"W-Wow. I mean, I was planning on getting back to the dungeon, but if you'd rather I stayed the night at your house-" he started.

"NO, YOU IDIOT!" I yelled at him. "You need to ESCORT me back to the CASTLE. 'Cause that's what a REAL GENTLEMAN does. That's what JOSH HARTNETT would do."

"Oh." he sounded extremely disappointed. "Well, okay. But you know, I COULD stay the night at the castle, if you wish. If you ever need company, all you have to do is ask..."

"NO, YOU PERVERT!" I slapped him.

"Well..." he sighed. "Come on...let's not make Impa worry, now..."

We walked together back to the castle.

-

Hm. I don't know why I decided to make Zelda obsessed with Josh Hartnett. I just did. Well, anyways, review, lufflies. Yesss. You know you want toooo. :3


	3. Meet the Poultry

(A/N: Yey Turtle's updating agaiiin. I'm getting in the habit of writing on the weekends. xD)

The Legend of Cojiro:

Meet the Poultry

"Zelda, you're home!" Impa called. She came into the room. "Did you get the eggs?"

"No, but I got a chicken." I replied.

Impa started to hyperventilate.

"Yooou...didn't...get...eggsssss?"

"There's no eggs left in Hyrule. But the goddesses of poultry will help me get Cojiro to lay eggs, if they're good for anything."

"They'd better."

"It should lay eggs over night," said Link. "...Unless it's a male."

"I'll have to ask the goddesses about that." I said.

Impa sighed. "Well, just in case, you'd better stay here tonight, Link. We might need your help."

Link looked as if Christmas had come early.

I looked horrified.

"You're going to let HIM stay HERE? OVERNIGHT?"

"Why not?" Impa looked rather confused.

"Well, he could easily sneak into my room while I'm sleeping, and-"

"Sneak in? Why would he need to sneak in? That's where he's sleeping!"

"WHAT?" Link and I yelled.

"Well, we don't have any vacant rooms. We're not running a hotel, you know. And no one here even knows him, besides you and me. And um...I'm older than you!"

I sighed. "Well. Fine." I turned to Link. "But you're sleeping on the floor. And if you try ANYTHING, I'll, um...never go out with you again!"

"Oh!" exclaimed Impa. "You're worried about THAT? That's not a problem! He'll be tied up, of course."

"Oh. Okay." I said.

Link stared. "Tied...up?"

"It's only for one night, Link."

It was hard for Impa to get Link to cooperate, but eventually he gave in and allowed her to tie him up. She put him in an extremely comfortable sleeping bag, so it shouldn't have been too bad. He still struggled a lot, and tried to get up, when we were told to go to sleep. But Impa tied him up really well.

I couldn't sleep for quite a while that night. I wasn't afraid of Link, I knew it was totally safe. I just...couldn't stop looking at him. His gorgeous blue eyes, and his messy blond hair were just too much for me. I started to wish he wasn't tied up...

No! Don't think that! I told myself. If I fell in love with Link, how could I marry Josh Hartnett!

But then I realized I already was.

Sure, Josh Hartnett was gorgeous, and rich, and wonderful. But he was just a...celebrity. I didn't have a chance with him. Besides, Link was...even more wonderful! I stared at him. He was! He had saved me so many times. He was like that guy in fairy tales. My knight in shining armor! That's what Link was!

"Zelda?"

I jumped. He was still awake.

"Yes, my love?" I replied.

"Huh." he said. "I guess I did fall asleep. I don't recall doing so."

"No." I whispered, and jumped off my bed. "I love you, Link." I bent down and kissed him.

"Wow. This is by far the best dream I've ever had."

"Want it to get even better?"

"Yes?"

I untied him.

...Well, enough about that. Let's skip to the morning, shall we?

The next morning, we were in the kitchen drinking coffee.

"You wouldn't BELIEVE the dream I had, Zelda. It was even better than that one where you killed Ruto after she forced me to marry her and made out with me at my wedding!" Link said.

"Oh?" I replied, sounding completely nonchalant. "What happened in this dream?"

"Well, you told me you loved me, and kissed me. Then you untied those roped Impa tied me up with, and you pushed me onto your bed, jumped on top of me and started making out with me, and then-"

I stood up.

"Oh crap." he said. "I-I-It was just a dream. I didn't-"

He stood up and started backing away.

"Link, it wasn't a dream." I said. I ran over to him and pushed him against the wall. "It was much, much more."

Link said nothing.

"I realized it all last night," I said dreamily. "I always have loved you. I don't need to deny it any longer. You, Link, are the man I will one day marry."

Just as I was about to kiss him, Impa walked in.

"Hey, kids," she said, and poured herself a glass of orange juice. "Sleep well?"

I looked at her, then at Link, then back to her.

"Very well, thanks for asking!" I smiled sweetly.

"Aren't I still sleeping?" asked Link.

I slapped him across the face. "Did you feel that?"

"Yes."

"Then you aren't asleep."

He stared at me. "...YES!" he yelled, and did a happy dance.

"Zelda, your boyfriend's an idiot." Impa said. Then she added casually, "So, when are your chicken gods coming?"

"B-Boyfriend?"

"Well, when two people who are madly in love with each other spend a night in the same room, they tend to admit their feelings for one another." She paused, then added, "I know this from personal experience. In fact, its only a matter of time now before I'm walking down the isle as your maid of honor at your wedding."

I stared at her. "What do you mean, you know this from personal experience!"

"Rauru had me take over in guarding the sacred realm while he was off buying food one night." she said. "I mean, if Link here hadn't sent Ganandorf into the Sacred Realm-"

I cut her off. "Forget I asked. Anyways, I'm not sure when-"

The doorbell rang.

"Coming!" called Impa.

In a few minutes, she came back, alone. "Here they are! I'm glad they decided to come in person instead of talking to you telepathically!" said Impa.

"...What?" I looked confused.

"Hold on." said Chickenlings voice. I blinked.

In about five seconds, three figures appeared.

"Sorry, we had to come invisible, to avoid...well, never mind that." said Chickenling. She was tall, with long, blonde hair, pulled into a tight bun with hair chopsticks, and was wearing a long, emerald green robe.

Ducklet stood next to her. She was slightly shorter, with short pink hair. She looked a little less impressive, wearing a blue bathrobe with pictures of rubber ducks on it. "Hey, Zelda." she had said.

Turkelina was hiding behind them until she saw Link. "Hi, Link!" she ran over to him. "We met once, at that Rolling Gorons concert, remember?"

He laughed. "Oh yeah, I remember you! You got totally wasted and started coming up to people and offering to-" he looked over at me. "Well, it's nice to see you again!"

Turkelina was by far the most crazy-looking. She was a lot shorter than Ducklet, and also had long blonde hair, but it had highlights of pretty much every color in the rainbow. She was wearing a rainbow tank top and purple bellbottoms, and a long black coat with lots of rips and holes in it.

"It's nice to finally meet you three in person!" I said sweetly.

"You too, Zelda!" Turkelina said, keeping her gaze on Link. "So, Link, what have you been doing lately?"

Right then, I wanted to kill her.

"Zelda." Link said.

"What?"

"Oh, no, I was answering her question."

It took me a moment to register what he meant by that. "...HE WAS...HE WAS DREAMING! I MEAN, I'M IN LOVE WITH JOSH HARTNETT, SO-"

"Oh, good." said Turkelina. "So you're available, Link?"

Link raised an eyebrow. "Uh-"

"NO HE'S NOT HE'S MINE STAY AWAY FROM HIM WHORE!" I wrapped my arms around Link's neck and pulled him away from her.

She sighed. "Well, can someone hook me up with that one castle guard, at least?"

Chickenling took over the conversation. "Are you ready to begin your adventure, Zelda?"

"Yes, I am."

"Okay, then. Here's what you do..."

-

That was better than the first two chapters, I think. What do YOU think? eyes the review thingie Anyways, I apologize for teh mushiness/semi-kinkiness of teh chapter. Zelda/Link isn't my favorite LoZ couple, it just seemed appropriate for this story. xD ...Yuh. Kay. Need I remind you to review?


	4. The Alliance

(A/N: No one reads this story, do they? xD Oh well. I'll keep on writing it anyway. Well, just for fun, I'll try threatening people to review at the end. Mhm. So yoohd better, bitches.)

The Legend of Cojiro:

The Alliance

"First," said Chickenling, "We need to round up our team of poultry sages, and-"

I cut in. "Wait. Can't we just, like, wait for Cojiro to lay an egg?"

The three stared at me like I was crazy.

"Um, Zelda..." Chickenling began. "Do you even know what this mission is about? And roosters don't lay eggs."

"...Cojiro's a ROOSTER? ...Wait, what? I thought we were getting eggs!" she was really confusing the crap out of me now.

"We ARE getting eggs," said Chickenling. "But not eggs for YOU. We're trying to find the Three Eggs of Pure Hope."

"...What...the...hell...?"

"Well, we can get you normal eggs too, that's not a problem. We'll just go to Lon Lon Ranch and ask for some. In fact, the first poultry sage lives there."

I collapsed anime-style.

"YOU MEAN THIS WHOLE TIME ALL I HAD TO DO WAS GO TO SOME RANCH?" I screamed at her. Then I paused. "...Wait, there's a ranch here? I was never told about it."

"Yeah, Zelda, its like, right down the road from the castle town." said Turkelina.

Just then, I remembered that life DID exist outside the castle town. In fact, I had wandered all around it, pretending to be this hot Sheikah guy for YEARS! It was just so long ago...

Link interrupted my memories. "Is Malon the poultry sage?"

We all stared at him.

"Yes, yes she is." replied Chickenling. "How do you know her?"

He blushed. "Um, lets just say..."

Before he could finish his sentence, I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pulled him towards me.

"WHO'S MALON? WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING FROM ME?" I started to foam at the mouth.

Link somehow remained perfectly calm. He put his hand on his heart and looked at the sky (well, they were inside, so the ceiling, more like.). "At one time, my heart had felt for her, but this was oh so long ago. Since then, my heart has grown much more fond of a much more wonderful woman."

A huge grin broke out on Turkelina's face, and she ran over and hugged Link around the neck, nearly choking him. "You're so good to me, Link!"

He coughed and sputtered. "I was talking...about...Zelda..." he managed.

"Oh." she hung her head and lowered her arms. "Well, I almost got him." she walked back and hid behind Ducklet.

I rolled my eyes. "That's some lame crap. I'd better keep my eyes on you while we're there."

"Oh, crap." he knew what was coming.

Later that afternoon, the five of us entered Lon Lon Ranch. Chickenling entered first, as always, followed by Ducklet and Turkelina. After that came Impa, and then me. Followed by Link, who was wearing a spiky dog collar, attached to a leash, led by me.

He sighed. "I don't know why you have to resort to this, Zelda. You know my heart belongs to you. There's no other woman I have any interest in whatso-HEY, BABE!" he started foaming at the mouth as soon as he saw Malon, and started running toward her. But I gave a huge tug on the leash, pulling him back and knocking him over.

"Oh my," Malon said, looking down at him. I remembered her, then. She used to go to school at the castle. But...she looked nothing like she usually did.

Her long red hair, which was normally left down, was put up, spiking up at the top. Along with that, she had these bright pink highlights. She was also wearing a vinyl corset, a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, and high-heeled boots.

"Um, Malon..." I wasn't quite sure what to say. "Why...are you dressed...like a prostitute?"

"Why is Link dressed like a sex slave?" she replied simply.

I hated it so much when people answered a question with a question. I decided to ignore her. "Link, why haven't you gotten up yet?" I answered my own question when I looked down at him. He was looking up Malon's skirt.

"LINK, YOU WHORE!" I pulled a whip out of my back pocket. "YOU MAKE ME SICK!" I whipped him.

He sighed and got up. "This story's starting to sound too much like a porno. Who's writing this crap, anyway?"

"That would be me." replied a heavenly voice from the skies above.

We all looked up.

"It's the voice of God!" cried Impa.

"Indeed." said the voice. "I am the god of this story. I am the creator of all of you. ...Well, other than the ones created by Shigeru Myamato. Which is pretty much everyone besides the poultry goddesses. But I created the plot, and all that other crap...and yeah. ...Know what? I'll shut up now. And I'll make the story less kinky, if you REALLY want."

"NO!" cried everyone, then realizing they said it out loud, said, "Whatever, man."

All of a sudden, Link was wearing a tie-dye shirt and biker shorts, I was wearing bellbottoms and a "Save the Trees" shirt, Impa was wearing multi-colored armor and had red hair, and Chickenling and Ducklet were dressed like Turkelina. Oh, and Malon was wearing a tie-dye shirt and bellbottoms.

"Hey, man." said Chickenling. "We need people to come with us to protest, like, y'know...killing chickens? You wanna?"

"Yeah, dude. 'Course I wanna come. Know why?" Malon replied.

"Why?"

"Cause I love you, man. And all the rest of you. And I love chickens, and all animals, man. Animals make the world go round, you know?"

"True dat." replied everyone.

Impa raised an eyebrow. "Wait a second. Hippies don't say 'true dat'!"

The heavenly voice sighed. "I was ABOUT to change the theme."

This time, Link donned a baseball cap, turned backwards, a baggy baseball jersey and baggy shorts. Malon and I wore white tank tops that revealed half of our stomachs, beanies, sunglasses, and low-rise jeans. Impa was dressed similarly without the hat and sunglasses, and Chickenling, Ducklet, and Turkelina were dressed like Jennifer Lopez.

"Hey! Chik-dawg! Y'all forget to mention my eggs! 'Sup wit that?" I complained.

"Y'all don't need damn eggs cause yer already weighin' over sixty damn pounds!"

"I know how to throw up eggs, ho! Dont be tellin' me I ain't smart enough to do that!"

"SHUT UP AND GET DOWN ON THE GROUND, HOS!" Link yelled at us, pulling out a gun.

"I'M IN THE HOUSE!" Talon yelled, walking over to us. He was wearing a large jersey and baggy pants.

"Shizzle mah nizzle!" Link pointed the gun at him.

Then, suddenly, everyone was wearing their normal clothes.

"Malon," said Chickenling. "We need you to assist us in finding the Three Eggs of Pure Hope. Because you are one of the six poultry sages. Also, Zelda wants some eggs from your hens."

"Oh, okay." she said casually. She left for a minute, and came back with a carton of eggs, and handed it to me. "What do I need to do?"

"Just follow us around for now."

"Alright."

Impa took the carton of eggs from my hands. "Do you need me for anything else? I really need to be getting back to the castle."

"No. We never needed you in the first place. We just let you tag along. Go have fun with Ganny, now." replied Ducklet.

Impa ran off into the sunset. And stuff.

"Oh, by the way..." Malon began. "Mind if Dennis comes along?"

Link froze. "Dennis?"

"Yeah. A while ago he took a trip down from Death Mountain, and visited Lon Lon Ranch. But he never left us!"

A goron rolled over to them. "Hi, guys!"

Malon smiled. "He's like a little brother to me!"

Link sighed in relief.

"Oh yeah," Malon added. "Mind if my fiance comes too?"

Link froze again.

The marathon man (God forbid) ran over and put his arm around Malon. "Hey, babe."

Malon smiled. "Lawrence and I got engaged just a few months ago!"

Link screamed in agony. "WHYYYYY? HOW COULD YOU, MALON?"

She raised an eyebrow. "We both agreed that we'd go our separate ways when you went back in time. I'm sorry if you didn't find anyone."

"He DID. Apparently." I was glaring death at him.

He looked at me as if just realizing I was there. "Yes, and she's the most wonderful woman in the world!" he pulled me into a kiss. "Couldn't ask for a better one than her, no."

I rolled my eyes.

"Oh yeah, Lawrence." said Malon. "This is Link, my ex-boyfriend. I told you about him, remember? He travels through time and saves people?"

"I've met him before." Lawrence smiled. "He gave me this bunny hood thing when he was a kid. And a year or two ago he raced me."

Link raised an eyebrow. "I don't remember you. But it was eight or nine years ago for me. And I don't have mementos to remember you by. So nyeh."

Malon sighed. "Link, will you be willing to come to our wedding? It's in about three months."

Link looked at her for a minute. "Hey...why don't we make it a...double wedding?"

"...Wha?"

"Well, the next best thing to getting married to you is getting married with you. I always thought it would be cool to have a double wedding. Zelda, you said you knew we'd get married someday. What do you say?"

He was so unbelievable. And yet somehow I wanted to say yes.

"You're proposing to me with no romantic features whatsoever, without even a ring, so you can have your wedding with your ex-girlfriend who you still have feelings for?"

He paused. "...Yeah, that's about right."

"Sure, I will!" I smiled and kissed him.

-

Yey I finished it! xD I went a little far with that chapter. Anyways. I don't think anyone really reads this. So if yooh want me to continue, review it. xP. I don't get enough reviews. I'm unloved. Dx.


	5. The Second Sage

A/N: Hah. You thought I quit, didn't you? I just was busy for a while, then I had writer's block. xD. So, here's the next chaper.)

The Legend of Cojiro:

The Second Sage

"Hey, Chickenling. Shouldn't we be...erm...finding the next sage?" I inquired.

"Lighten up! We have plenty of time!" Chickenling replied while skipping around a campfire, a bottle of rum in her hand.

"Yeah!" Link added. "Come on, it's a party!" he took a big sip of rum. "That's some damn good stuff, there, Chickenling.

Malon scooted closer to me. "Why don't you-hic-try some? Its-hic-glorious!" she got up, linked arms with Chickenling, skipped with her, and started singing 'I'm a Little Teapot'.

"Gah.." I murmured. I got a stack of logs, set them on fire with my handy dandy matches, then grabbed all the rum out of their hands and threw it in the fire. Before they could get more, I threw all the unopened bottles in as well.

"NOOO!" they all screamed, lunging for the fire.

"W-W-W-Whyyyy?" Turkelina whined.

"You're all drunk out of your minds! Look at you!"

"But WHY is the rum gone?" Malon cried out.

"Yeah!" everyone agreed.

I sighed. "We need to continue our mission! It's crucial that we find the next sage sometime soon! I'm not in the mood for screwing around!"

"HEY!" Chickenling stomped over to me. "WHO'S THE LEADER HERE, YOU OR ME?"

"It should be me, since all you ever seem to want to do is party."

Ducklet raised an eyebrow. "Since when do you care about this mission? I thought you, of all people, would want to party."

"I just want to get it over with, that's all."

Dennis woke up and rolled over to us. "Hey, can't you guys keep it down? I'm trying to sleep here. It's really late. You should go to sleep, too."

Ducklet nodded. "We probably should. We need to be ready for our mission."

I nodded. "That sounds good to me."

"Should we all sleep in my house, then?" Malon asked.

Ducklet looked at her like she was crazy. "It's an ADVENTURE. You don't sleep in a HOUSE on an ADVENTURE. We have to sleep under the tree. That's how it works."

Malon raised an eyebrow. "That's crazy. My house is RIGHT THERE." I nodded in agreement, but didn't say anything.

Ducklet sighed. "We're sleeping on the ground. No arguments."

We all mumbled and laid down on the ground.

I lied awake for hours, worrying about Link. Did he have stronger feelings for Malon than he did for me? And what about Turkelina? What did he think of her? After a while, I decided I should ask him.

"Link?" I shook him.

"Mmm...Zelda? Are you gonna...untie my ropes again?" he mumbled.

I blushed. "I need to talk to you."

He opened his eyes slowly. "About what?"

"Just...come with me."

He got up and we walked to the other side of the ranch.

"Tell me honestly, how do you feel about Malon?" I asked.

He sighed and stared at his feet. "Zelda, you know I love you more than anyone else...Malon doesn't really mean anything to me. I guess it's just...fun to see you so jealous. I was over Malon a long time ago, it's just strange to see her with someone else, I guess.

I sighed. "I guess I'll believe you. But I'm still worried."

"Should we go back to bed now?"

"Yes, yes, we should."

After that, I didn't have any trouble sleeping at all. I woke up after everyone else, and they were all ready to go.

"So, Chickenling. Where's the next sage?" asked Link.

"In the forest." she replied.

Link looked shocked. "Th-that's not fair! Saria was already the forest sage! She shouldn't get to be a sage AGAIN!"

She raised an eyebrow. "When did I say it was Saria?"

He stared at her. "But who else in the forest could be the sage? They're all kids! None of them even have NAMES! Except...No...No way..." he froze. "My worst enemy. The one who caused me years of pain and suffering in my youth..."

I knew who he was talking about. He told me about Mido when we were kids.

"THE GREAT DEKU TREE SPROUT!" he cried.

We all looked at him weird.

"Erm..." I stared at him. "What did the Great Deku Tree Sprout ever do to you?"

He cried into his blankie, which he conveniently had with him somehow. "He caused me years of lying awake at night. He put all this mess upon me. It's his fault that I'm the hero of time..."

"Link, he has nothing to do with it." I said cautiously.

"He told me I was a Kokiri! He proved truth in everything Mido said!" he paused, realization dawning on him. "Mido..."

Chickenling sighed. "Finally..."

"Mido...that's the name of that doll I had when I was a kid. I wonder how his name got into this conversation. Anyway..."

We all sighed deeply. I really worry about Link sometimes.

When we got to Kokiri forest, a little red-headed kid came up to us.

"What are you doing here? You don't belong here!"

Link stared at him. "You know, you look JUST like this little doll I had when I was a kid! I bet I still have it!" he ran to his house in the forest. When he got back, he was holding a doll that looked strangely like Mido, with X's for eyes. It appeared to have been stabbed with a knife quite a few times, and somehow every cut in the fabric was stained with...blood? "This is it!" he handed it to Mido.

"Eww! It smells like ketchup!" Mido whined. "...And its all squishy.." he squeezed it, and ketchup came gushing out of all the cuts. "Ewww! Get it off! Get it off!" he dropped the now flat doll and ran to the Kokiri river to wash it off.

When he got back, he glared at Link. "What were you doing, going into Link's house, anyways? That's like, something he would do!"

Link blinked (hah I'm liek, teh master p0et). "Link is me."

"Nuh uh. Link is a Kokiri."

He sobbed. "I used to think so too, but the Deku Tree Sprout told me otherwise..."

Mido stared at him. "Hey, how old are you?"

"Nineteen."

"Hah! I'm Twenty!" Mido snickered. "But that's strange, since Link would be nineteen now too..." he murmured. "Well, why don't we ask the Great Deku Tree Sprout about whether you're that kid I used to know?"

"Well, since he's the next sage, I guess that's convenient."

All of the poultry goddesses rolled their eyes.

"Hi, Mido!" the disgustingly cute little tree called out.

"MIDO!" Link yelled. He picked up Mido by the collar of his shirt. "I REMEMBER YOU! YOU'RE THAT KID WHO ALWAYS MADE FUN OF ME AND TOLD ME I'M NOT A KOKIRI!"

"Link told you about me, did he?" Mido choked.

"Aww, Link! That's no fun! Why don't we play along nicely?" the Deku Tree Sprout asked with his adorable little smile, and beady little eyes.

Mido sighed. "He isn't Link. How can he be Link? Link is a Kokiri. This guy is an adult."

The sprout continued to smile as he always does. "But Link ISN'T a Kokiri! He's a Hylian! His mother asked Great Deku Tree Senior to guard him when he was a baby!"

"SHUT UP!" Link yelled, swinging a punch at him. But he stopped in mid-air, tears streaming down his smiling face. "I can't. You're just too adorable."

"Hahaha!" the sprout grinned triumphantly (or he just kept the same expression he always has). "That's my advantage! Why did you think Ganandorf never put a curse on ME?"

"Because he was locked in the Sacred Realm, perhaps?"

"...Good point."

Mido was staring at Link, with a huge smirk on his face. "I always knew you weren't one of us!"

"Mido, I'm bigger than you. Don't mess with me. Anyways, you're our next sage. You have to join us on our quest." Link closed his eyes, annoyed.

"What's your quest?"

"To find the Three Eggs of Pure Hope."

"Eggs? HAH! THE PROPHECY UNFOLDS!"

Everyone looked at him weird except the goddesses.

"Yes, Mido. We need help from you seriously, since you have the Book of Poultry." Chickenling smiled at him.

"I'll go get it!" Mido ran to get it from his house.

"So, where do we go next?" I inquired.

Chickenling smiled. "Off into the sunset! Over the horizon! Wherever our legs will take us!"

-

...Oh come on, that was just TOO cheesy. Oh well.

-

Yey I wrote another chapter finally! You gotsa review now, dearie. :3


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